Kinky Sex Questions Answered by Tristan Taormino

The following is a guest post from Tristan Taormino, Director of Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples.

My wife and I have decided to explore some dominant/submissive roleplay, with me as the dominant. I’m nervous about doing it right. Do you have any tips for a beginner?

First of all, there is no “right” way to be a dominant, it’s all up to you. I recommend you talk to your partner about her domination fantasies: does she want a dominant who’s strict, cruel, bossy, tender, demanding, or some combination? Then think about drawing on fictional characters, historical figures, or archetypes who embody the qualities you’d like to have as a dominant. Is your inner dominant more like a high school coach, Napoleon Bonaparte, or Captain Kirk? Don’t get stuck on how you think a master should behave; instead, craft the role to suit your own personality and desires. Here’s a tip: blindfold your wife at the beginning of your scene. A blindfolded partner can help boost your confidence to bark orders or try out new skills. If she can’t see you stop and figure out what to say next or fumble with the nipple clamps, you can both sink into the fantasy world a little easier.

What’s the deal with people who want to be a “sex slave” in a roleplay?

Sexual service is one of the most popular fantasies people have. Providing sexual service is a big turn-on for many submissives who enjoy being focused on the dominant’s pleasure and/or being sexually “used” or objectified. Some really enjoy the role of the sexually available, willing, and able sex slave who could be called on at a moment’s notice (provided it works with everyone’s hectic schedule, of course). Some couples enjoy creating a sex scenario (which, of course, they’ve negotiated beforehand) where there is no question about who initiates, who does what, or what’s expected. Sex slaves don’t have to overthink anything, just do what they are told. For some, this allows them the freedom and permission to be constantly horny, ready to go, even “oversexed,” since that is part of being a good sex slave.Tristan Taormino's Guide To Kinky Sex For Couples

What do you think is the most versatile kinky sex toy?

That’s a tricky question because there are so many fantastic kinky toys out there! I really like bondage tape because you can use it in many different ways: you can make a blindfold, wrist or ankle cuffs, use it across someone’s mouth, even create a harness to keep a butt plug in. You don’t need to have any bondage skills, and you just cut it off when you are done. While we don’t feature it in Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples, we do use it in my next movie, Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples.

 

My Mistress would like me to wear a butt plug for several hours before we see each other. I’ve agreed to a small one, but she really wants me to wear a large one because she thinks that a bigger plug will make me more submissive to her. Is it possible and harmless?

Wearing a butt plug for more than a few minutes is possible and harmless, as long as you use plenty of lube and you warm up your ass with fingers or a smaller toy first. You should be aware of a butt plug, but it should not feel uncomfortable or painful at all. If you plan to wear it for several hours, you should work your way up in small increments in order to allow your body time to adjust to the new activity; in other words, if you’ve only ever had a plug in for fifteen minutes, don’t try it for four hours. As to the matter of your level of submissiveness, only you and your Mistress can really answer that. A bigger plug may make you more aware of your ass, and, by extension, help you focus on your dedication and service to your Mistress. But the size of a butt plug alone does not affect one’s level of submission—bigger does not always mean better.

 

I read Fifty Shades of Grey and it really piqued my curiosity about kinky sex. Can you recommend some books for someone who’s interested in learning more?

Yes! Welcome to the world of kinky sex. There are many fantastic books out there to help you read and learn more about the world of BDSM. I recommend a book I edited, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and The Erotic Edge and my e-book 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating The Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington, The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton.

guide to kinky sex for couples