It’s time we embrace the fun and the simplicity of when sex works and get over our self-critical ways. The research has shown that sex begets sex. But we all seem to get so caught up in just getting it in and getting it done, that no one is really present or enjoying it. Or we are all so orgasm driven that it becomes all about “performance”. 12 Minute Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to “Married” Sex, radically shifts how we view sexuality and what defines sex. Orgasms are great; but what happens when we remove orgasm as the goal? We allow ourselves to be more present, have more sex in the midst of our busy daily lives and bring the fun back to our sexual trysts. Whether you are 25 or 75 odds are you need to change how you think about sex. The first step towards that is committing to “getting it on” with our partners, just 4 times out of one week. It is the simplest of sex-periments.

There are 5 tenants of 12 Minute Sex Solution:

• 10 minutes per day of body to body 4 times over the course of 1 week.
• Quantity over quality – You heard that right guys.
• No performing to get to the “Big O”. No more anxiety.
• Fooling around instead of foreplay. There’s a broader definition of sex. Women will love that it isn’t all about penetration.
• 2 minute talks. That’s it. No flowery commitments, guttural chanting or technical jargon, just 2 minutes of sex talk 4 days out of 7.

The research shows that “married” sex usually happens a paltry 12-15 times per year for most couples. Polls have consistently shown that 60% of the population is unhappy with their sex lives at any given time. After all, the realities of every day life seem to conspire against us (kids, mortgages, work). There is simply not enough time in the day to devote to thick, clinical volumes diagnosing what’s “wrong” or heavy, esoteric love-making manuals that require lots of new age mumbo-jumbo and journaling/worksheet activities. These options are just not realistic. Most couples just end up feeling beaten up and overwhelmed, reconfirming they will never be as sexually satisfied.

12 Minute Sex Solution, takes these issues to heart. This book makes working on your sex life bite-sized and manageable. The benefits end up seeming almost accidental because the five tenants the book is based on are simple and fun. Moreover, it is delivered in a voice that is fresh, irreverent and conversational.

12 Minute Sex Solution is the self-help sex book for people who hate to read self-help. It’s brief, realistic and fun to read while actually offering a true solution to those who are stuck in a sexual slump. It’s finally a book where both partners feel like they can get the sex they deserve.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

What does this mean as a result? Eco-adventure travel fosters several skills that can positively reinforce traits couples seek. This desire to get “out of the box” of their everyday lives also serves as a way to combat boredom in their relationship. It shakes things up enough for them to garner experiences that more typical couples would not experience on the rote trip to a resort in Florida.

While some individuals may find the idea of trekking glaciers or surfing Indonesia as daunting, these activity travelers say they experience a sense of rejuvenation. Many return home and are able to apply the skills they have learned on their trips. Rebecca, a 32 year-old mother of a one states that, “My husband and I seem to communicate better now than we ever have. While rock climbing all over the United States we discovered that the challenges put upon our ability to communicate in sticky situations and negotiate difficulties seemed to train us for everyday life. When you are in a life and death situation on a mountain, arguing over who takes the trash out at home is a moot point.”

Researchers John Gottman and David Schnarch reinforce the importance of a sense of individuation within one’s couplehood as well as creating spontaneity with in a relationship. These two attributes can often have a “make it or break it” affect on long-term relationships. Eco-travel allows people to continue to individuate by excelling on their own but to also bond under uncommon circumstances.

Tim states that he feels closer to his partner Martin because the trips they’ve taken whitewater rafting become all about them as a couple. “How we navigate the river is a direct metaphor for our lives. We’ve shared things together that we haven’t with anyone else.” This increased sense of emotional intimacy can carry over into the bedroom.

An interest in “healthy risk-taking” poses an overlap into sexuality. There can be a sense of spontaneity that may not exist otherwise, that anything can happen on these trips. This ability to seek out adventure spills over into sex lives. “Having sex in non-traditional places, breaking out a new sex toy, experimenting within our own boundaries, all of these concepts grow out of our overall desire for adventure,” Rebecca says.

Again and again, these couples reiterate that life and therefore relationships should be fun, at least some of the time. There is a pervasive sense of openness, a willingness to try something new and fail in front of a partner – to be emotionally and physically vulnerable, an ability to be able to communicate needs and desires. These seem to be the most important traits whether a couple is bonding through eco-travel in the jungles of Borneo or experimenting with their sexualities in the comfort of their own bed.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Communication

When we begin our relationships, communication is often the first aspect we can assess. There are times when people are on their best behavior early on and that’s when you don’t get the real deal on how well your partner communicates often times much later. It can take the form of withholding information, little white lies or out and out fraud — Kenny Chesney and Rene Zellweger style. Regardless, time is on your side. You want enough time and situations to occur to see if this partner shares your communication style. Or if it is a style that you can at least work with. You shouldn’t have to be left guessing in a long term relationship. While it is true that sometimes that’s all we can do early on, it can be anything from bothersome to dangerous later on.

Trust

The key here is examining how congruent your partner is between what they say and what they do. Some partners are very private so you don’t know what’s going on in their inner world and funny enough, some of us are ok with not knowing. But if you are to build trust in a relationship, sooner or later you’ll have to decide what level of your lover’s congruency is acceptable to you. Did he say he was going to run errands and then later through a friend you found out he was at a bar? This seemingly benign example can whittle away at your trust for one another.

Sexual Chemistry

“You don’t know a thing if you ain’t got that swing.” When it comes to sex the process is rarely perfect, so I don’t want you to think that you have to have fireworks forever when it comes to bedding your lover. What matters beyond that initial spark, is the flow of sexual energy between you. Do you have similar biorhythms and want sex at similar times? Do you respond through arousal and orgasm on a regular basis? Do you still want to jump their bones even after you’ve had a hell of a fight? Again, time is the great mediator here. Things will always change but it’s about how we flow together.

Shared Interests

Now this isn’t the case for all couples. And I am not suggesting you have to be joined at the hip. But research has shown that couples who play together tend to stay together because they find solace in common interests. So whether it’s golf or knitting, all that matters is that you enjoy doing it together when you can. It can be a great way to escape your screaming kids, or remind yourself that your couplehood should be prioritized.

Values

Values can ebb and flow over time but some stick with you for a life time. It just depends how important those values are to and your partner. Spirituality, home life, time together, money issues are all values that can either strengthen a relationship or destroy it. Communicating about your values early on helps to build a solid foundation as you move forward in your relationship.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

1) Keep It Professional

You were both hired to do a job. Do it. Focus on the work and if you have to interact with each other, keep it on a strictly professional level and only discuss the task at hand. Don’t bring up the past at work. Don’t bring up hurt feelings. Keep it professional.

2) Change Lunch Hours

It might be helpful to minimize the chances of bumping into each other around the office or at close by lunch spots. So, if you both have the same basic lunch hour, change.  Also, shuffle around your break schedule. The less you have to see each other, the less chance of any emotions coming to the surface.

3) Don’t Gossip!

Your relationship is no one else’s business. If you need to vent, need to talk your feelings out, stick with friends outside of the workplace. Saying childish things about your ex or bringing up your dirty laundry in the workplace reflects badly on your character more than it does your ex-lover’s.

These new sex toys are great for lesbian lovers who want to enjoy simultaneous stimulation, as well as women who love pegging their husbands and boyfriends!

Most strap on harnesses don’t provide any pleasure to the wearer. Some may have additional smaller dildo attachments that are inserted into the wearer, but these are completely separate from the “main” dildo. With strapless strap-ons, the same dildo that is being inserted into your lover is also worn by the wearer. How does that work? Strapless strap on dildos are shaped like a curved “L”. The shorter probe (known as the ‘saddle horn’) is inserted into the vagina and is held in place by their pelvic floor muscles.

The longer probe end is then worn outside the body, and looks as if it’s coming from inside the woman’s body. When being used the thrusting action helps stimulate the woman’s G-spot, as well as provide additional sensory input from the penetration. In other words, it feels good when you’re pounding your lover!

When choosing a strapless strapon, there are a few things to keep in mind. The whole unit depends on the woman having tight enough PC muscles to wear it and not have it slip out once you get going. For ladies who aren’t very tight, you should look for toys with a larger saddle horn. Read the reviews of the toy before you buy it, and see if there are a lot of complaints about the saddle horn being too small. If need be, some strapless strap-ons can be work inside traditional O-ring harnesses to keep it in place, while still getting the simultaneous stimulation that the strapless can provide.

You also want to make sure the longer end is the right fit for your lover. For some men who are new to pegging, thinner is better. Other couples might want a beefier dildo end for a fuller feeling.  In some makes of strapless strap ons, the saddle horn has its own vibrator, while others have vibrations throughout the whole unit. Still others have no vibrations at all and are more like traditional harness strapon units.

Leading to clients showing up in my office thinking they are paying a fee to be friends or someone to kiss their boo boos as a therapeutic Mom. Neither of the those realms are my gig.

You can’t really have a bad movie with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep in it. Alas, this isn’t a movie review. But to give you a bit of a synopsis, the main characters have been married 31 years and they have the same interaction every day which includes very little engagement. Tommy Lee’s character is oblivious to the fact that his wife is about to leave him — after all they don’t even sleep in the same bedroom and haven’t had sex in almost 5 years. Meryl’s character (who plays a bit of a doormat) comes across a therapist who does intensive therapy workshops. She buys the workshop and airfare and tells her husband that’s where they’ll be going the next week. He begrudgingly agrees by barely showing for the flight. Steve Carrell adeptly plays the therapist in the straightest role I have ever seen him in.

The underlying premise, is that after 31 years of marriage what you get is what you get. Basically, stop whining and just count your blessings. But most therapists know that if you follow the narrative of a couple in therapy that things weren’t always the same. Some things get lost along the way. Things like physical affection, sweet talk, chivalry, a sense of playfulness, elements of surprise. They just lose their value over the years to be super seceded by practical things like raising children, running a household and making money.

I’m a therapist and I have seen plenty of couples change (granted a few who haven’t as well but at least they know they tried everything). The vast majority (if they have the desire) can make a small change that can improve and yes even save a marriage. If I didn’t believe in change and see it everyday, I wouldn’t be in business. I have to be an optimist for each couple I work with and carry their torch so I can pass it back to them at the culmination of therapy. Two things therapists know is that there is no magic bullet and that often things will get worse before they get better. Hope Springs shows that if one person in the couple has in issue within the relationship then both people involved do. If there is still a deep seated love then and willingness to take that scary leap and do a few things differently that saving your relationship could be the best gift you ever give one another.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

As a therapist I find that the initial enthusiasm that people experience can some times be the nail in the coffin before a date even begins. When it is someone you are really interested in, sometimes all common sense goes out the window. Here are a few tips to keep things grounded and to help you succeed with your next first date.

Lower Expectations

I’m not telling you to slum it. What I mean by this is a sense of openness. Very often we get caught up in the fantasy of how we think the first date is going to unfold and then when it doesn’t (cue annoying wah, wah sound), we end up feeling duped and then negative about what might have been a perfectly nice first date. Allow for the date to happen naturally, be present; see what it feels like to simply be in this person’s company. It can help give you a more realistic gauge on whether there is real chemistry or not.

Keep it short

Long drawn out dinners or day long dates may either a) be completely overwhelming or b) a real nightmare if the the two you don’t gel. You both are taking time out of your busy schedules to experience one another. I personally believe a little goes a long way. The coffee/tea date is the perfect vehicle. No commitment. And if it goes great, you are assured of a second longer date that you can go into feeling good about.

Do it in the day time

Sometimes just the expectation of dinner is too much. Not only does a “dinner” insight a certain way of dress, or spending a certain amount of money but it can create a higher sense of anxiety. A day date is more friendly and flexible. Maybe it is focused around an activity; catching a baseball game, going to an art gallery or see above having coffee together. Regardless, it can help relax the entire situation by getting together in the daylight hours.

Don’t follow ridiculous dating rules

Note I am giving you “tips” not hard and fast rules. The authors of all of the dating rules about what to do and not do, when to call and what to say can go fly a kite. No one should feel caught up in following a strict guide of behavior. Every first date is different and the people who know best how to act are the ones involved in the date. So by all means if you had a good time, call the next day. There is no need to play aloof and wait out a phone call. If the chemistry isn’t there you’ll either know by how you feel or you’ll get feedback from the other person that they are not interested. It is not the end of the world if that happens. All information is good, even if it is information that you don’t necessarily want. Again, being open to what realistically happens will help you either have a great second date or help you to move on to a fantastic first date with someone more compatible.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Let’s start off with the basics – what makes a good blow job? Well, I think it’s best to start off by saying that the blow jobs you see in porn movies may look cool, but the technique you see isn’t the best as far as feeling goes. Adult movies are more about the visual. So when you’re actually going down on a guy, you want to concentrate more on the sensation. Use your lips and your tongue to rub against the head and shaft. Look into your partner’s eyes when you’re going down on them. Use your intuition to tell you what he’s into and what can pass.

Then does deep throating really not matter? Depends on your guy. Some fellas really love the whole visual of their penis going down your throat. There are a couple of tricks we use to get that going on camera. For girls who gag a lot – especially those who are just starting out – they use desensitizing sprays on the back of their throats to get their gag reflex a bit more relaxed. Another trick that we use on the screen is actually go to down on a guy while he’s soft. It’s a hell of a lot easier to get a whole dick in your mouth when he’s not hard. But, in real life, this doesn’t do much for the guy unless he’s into watching it rather than feeling it.

So for the lover who isn’t worried about deep throating, what are some other tricks to do the best BJs? I think it’s all about communication with your man. Some guys love having their balls played with while they are getting sucked off, others hate it. Some guys like a bit of teeth, some want you to wrap your lips around your teeth so they don’t feel them. One of the best tricks I learned is for guys who want their whole shaft having sensation is to keep the head into your mouth, and use your tongue to satisfy that end. Then wrap your hands around the shaft and stroke him in rhythm with your mouth movements. I’ve been told that because it’s all one motion, it almost feels like the entire penis is in your mouth.

You could think of the Yoni massage as a meditation of the vagina. In ancient times, the purpose of the Yoni massage was not to bring the woman to orgasm, but to bring out certain buried feelings from anger, lust and sadness.

To start the Yoni massage the couple must be in a comfortable setting and embracing each other – eyes locked. You should begin to synchronize your breathing with strong inhales and exhales. When you begin to feel yourselves falling into a deep sense of transcendental unison you can begin the massage.

When you start, you should begin with massaging other parts of her body – arms, chest, stomach, waist and inner thighs. And always remember to place your right hand firmly on the body as you massage with your left – this allows tantric balance. When you get to the Yoni, use a light amount of lubricant to moisturize the exterior of the Yoni.

Next, lightly massage the clitoris with a clock-wise and then a counter clock-wise motion.  You can lightly pinch the clitoris as well.  Then using your middle finger you can insert your finger inside her Yoni and gently move in and out. Then with your palm facing upward use your finger to massage the g-spot or the “sacred spot.” After gently and more rigorously massaging the g-spot – with continued meditative breathing by both partners and eyes locked – you will feel like you are riding a wild wave. Learn to ride the wave – your partner will probably begin to scream in ecstasy and most women become multi-orgasmic. This is the release of the energy.

And lastly, when the orgasms have calmed down you can enjoy the peace and calm of a post-meditative state. The Yoni massage can be seen as a tandem bicycle where both partners go searching for themselves on a journey together. The Yoni massage just might bring you closer to your partner.

Watch for more sex tips and advice from yours truly, Maximilian