Let me begin by saying that yes, there is a small chance of the HPV virus (carried by 70% of the population – that’s women and men) can cause oral and throat cancers in those who perform oral sex on women who have HPV. And no, there doesn’t have to be a full outbreak (i.e. actual warts) present for this to occur.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 90% of people will clear the virus in the first year. Leaving about 10% (not all of these cases will develop cancer) with the chronic disease that may be completely asymptomatic .  As if some men needed more of a reason to not go down on their female sex partners. That may sound harsh and I don’t deny that there has been a rise in HPV oral and throat cancers over the past twenty years. Some doctors have even referred to it as an epidemic among men. But I have found the reporting on this to be very one sided. Cunnilingus is getting a bad rap. 

Should anyone who performs oral sex be safe? Yes, just as safe as they are with any other sexual behavior. Which, means using a barrier method – also known as a dental dam or if need be some plastic wrap. Does performing oral sex guarantee that you will get cancer? No, it is still considered a fairly low risk sexual activity.

Some younger folks are finding solace in the HPV vaccine Guardasil, while those of us already exposed can reduce our risk even more by drinking and smoking less. Worst-case scenario, I do want people to know that this is a highly treatable form of cancer, with a 95% cure rate if caught early. As someone who has had cancer successfully treated, let me say that the advancements available now are mind boggling.

No one wants cancer but we also cannot live in a culture of fear and if you are a man who is reluctant to perform oral sex, please don’t use this as an excuse to not give your partner pleasure. Just be smart about it. Give cunnilingus a chance.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

It is true that spicy food increases sexual desire.  In a 2011 article in The State Hornet, reporter Brittany Bradley and Dr. Diana Hoppe, OB-GYN and author of “Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You,” explain that spicy foods contain capsaicin. Bradley writes, “Eating foods that contain capsaicin release adrenalin, which in turn releases endorphins. These chemicals contribute to a feel-good sensation that can create a, eh em, happy feeling. It’s also great for your metabolism, making you feel sexy about what you’re eating, increasing confidence and yep, making you want to do the deed.”

However, scientists and doctors alike warn that capsaicin can be stored in ones’ mouth for quite some time. When your mouth comes in contact with a lover’s genitals, the capsaicin can easily be transferred and the tingling, burning sensation your lover feels will most likely not be pleasure. Your habanero peach chutney might just cause your lover to spend some time cooling off their nether region.
Simple solution…I will just go brush my teeth and use mouthwash!

Not so fast there bucko…

The current rule of thumb is to wait at least two hours before or after oral sex to brush your teeth and use mouthwash. In a Chicago Now article titled “Oral Sex and the Risk of HIV and STIs,” writer Just Joey gives us some sobering food for thought.

“DO NOT brush your teeth, floss or use mouthwash two hours before or after oral sex.  The reason for this is that you are creating cuts, abrasions and inflammation of your gums.  These open portals create a welcome mat for bacteria such as Gonorrhea to enter your system.  Even mouthwash, with its burning action, can create inflammation of the gums which allows bacteria to enter easier.”

So, it seems spicy food might be a double edged sword. On the one hand, it increases libido. On the other hand, it creates a few precarious concerns. Maybe I will get the roasted chicken and baked potato instead.

If you have been accidentally burned by a lover due to spicy food, please leave us a comment!!

I’m happy to announce that I host Adam and Eve’s Guide to the Kama Sutra. I now have the pleasure helping you to bring these positions into your very own bedroom. I outline which postures can help you attain greater depth and orgasmic intensity. I also make sure to point out where you can find that elusive G-Spot and other often ignored erogenous zones.

For instance, The Pine Tree position allows one partner to play with the others’ feet during sex or lean forward to kiss them. 
While the Transverse Lute shows how the top partner can quickly and easily change angles for deeper penetration, increased comfort, or to hit their erogenous zone.   Some of the position names may sound a little nutty, The Mare & The Swing?  But what matters is how beautifully these sex positions  are illustrated by the gorgeous actors. You’ll not only find this educational but there’s a pretty good chance just watching it will get you off. You may not even make it five minutes in but I encourage you to also use this DVD as a tool of pleasure with your partner. Or if you are single, to really show off your lovemaking expertise with your next lover.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Everyone knows a couple like this. They scream and fight. They say horrible things to one another. There is no romance. There is simply tolerance from what any of us can tell. Yet these people stick together. Whether it’s for the kids or stubbornness, their relationship survives regardless of explosions or implosions, and it is so damn annoying. In fact, I’ve known couples who can’t stand being around these couples because their bad behavior rubs off on their own relationships.

I’m not saying these couples should get a divorce but they might want to seek a little counseling so that they can learn to relate to one another a bit more civilly; especially if they have children. This is not the best model of an adult relationship I can think of. I personally have even had friends like this. Several of us in the wedding party smugly guessing how long “this” is going to last. When five or ten years later, we are the ones signing divorce papers and the volatile couple keeps chugging that marital path with their observable war wounds.

People find comfort in some weird shit. Shit that isn’t even good for us most of the time. Would the next relationship for this couple be any better off? Who knows. What matters is that behind the closed door of their relationship that they do have a dialogue (not a screaming match) about life and all of it’s big questions. I suppose having someone to do that with is the key. It’s one big benefit being mated will always have over singledom, even when the going is perpetually rough.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Luckily in the beginning you’ll be able to enjoy some true passion, along with obsessively thinking about the other person and the taming of your fiery loins. You’re always on. Yes, it is a bit exhausting being the best version of you, possibly – or hopefully you still resemble you at this point. We all play this unconscious game with our beloved in the beginning. But at some point your plan jumps shark. Whether it is a moment you are forced to be vulnerable or your partner has taken the first step in doing so, gradually the masks comes off. It may be in a time of pain; like the death of a family member or your beau rips a big one in bed. The newness of this relationship gets chipped away into something old and familiar. Some people eventually miss the mystery and the façade. They may even cheat in order to feel that intense passion again; while, others envelope themselves in the realness, the trueness of what has become a cozy little safety blanket. Many of these people will say that there’s some passion left. Like that one Saturday night wifey got a little drunk and let you in her backdoor. But many will wistfully talk about the good old days of spontaneous rolls in the hay.

Which is better? Comfort or passion. Do we have to have one or the other? Are all long-term relationships doomed to bed death? I can tell you it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and whether or not you prioritize passion. I think long term monogamous relationships are lovely. And that there is a true freedom to being yourself with that person that you won’t have with anyone else. Yes, some sexual intimacy may be replaced with emotional intimacy but realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. There are not only fifty shades of grey in BDSM, but also fifty shades of grey within our relationships. We occasionally just need to remind ourselves to look for a different more passionate shade.

image is a copyrighted photo of model(s)

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

There used to be the thought of sowing one’s oats one last time but geez, most of us are waiting a lot longer to get married anyway. Most of us have practically made oatmeal by the time we put a ring on it.

The poster boy for cheating at a bachelor party a few years ago was Mario Lopez. You know, host of Extra Entertainment News or even better AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. After dating model/hostess Ali Landry for six years (six years!), they annulled their marriage two weeks in because she found out he cheated on her during his bachelor party in Mexico. Seriously, people — look it up on Wikipedia.

And it isn’t just guys getting in on the action. It has become common place for women to  search out strange schlong before their chasteness is given away. This last night of freedom is such a joke. Yes, it can be a fun bonding event among the wedding party. But not one that should have to include keeping secrets about how the bride or groom “accidentally” slept with someone. To me, this is indicative of how fucked up we as a western culture are about sex.  Hell, if you want to have sex with someone else before you get married why not a) tell your future partner or b) maybe this is a sign you don’t really want to be with your partner. And don’t give me it’s just “sex”. I’m sure it is just sex but there is something going in the mind of that person cheating that is looking for a way to act out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be the first to tote a blown up penis through a casino or enjoy a strip show. I just don’t get where the touching has to happen? I’m sure some people are attracted to the taboo of this final tryst so I can only appeal to all of those of you out there who allows themselves to be “the other person”. Don’t do it. I’m not going to go all Ya-Ya of the Sisterhood on you all but why not stay as an innocent bystander and not become the chick who who gets more than her reputation stained. Now go out and have some good clean fun…order a boob cake and get a simple lap dance for God’s sake.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

These eastern philosophies range from Ayurveda, Chinese, Tibetan Medicine and of course the ancient  Indian art of Tantra. As someone who has studied, practiced and taught basic levels of Tantra (I am not a Tantrika); semen retention is not the first thing I introduce in Tantric practice. But for those men and couples that wish take their Tantric skills to the next level, I do highly recommend semen retention as a way to learn about one’s sexual response and as a way to develop the skill of becoming a multiply orgasmic man.

There is evidence that everyone from Buddha to Aristotle to Shakespeare and Thoreau practiced semen retention as a way to avoid the depleted energy many men feel after ejaculation. Even some current athletes and martial artists avoid ejaculation days before big events. Male ejaculation is said to deplete energy stores of the endocrine and central nervous system. Thus men should wait until energy is built back up again. But simply retaining semen may not be enough. It does take work to “transmute” the energy. Otherwise, men can experience a sensation of trapped energy that may lead to other issues like mental preoccupation and depression. Therefore, I suggest that men and couples interested in the art of semen retention should get some training. There are some wonderful resources via tantra.com.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Mr. Happy

The more fat we all carry on our body the more estrogen we produce. Estrogen, frankly can be quite the arousal killer and this especially goes for men. It can actually cause the penis to shrink.  Yikes! So getting into better physical condition can make your Mr. Happy happy.

MEN-opause

Yep, higher levels of estrogen can also cause long term desire to wain and that means the “use it or lose it” philosophy extends here. Research has shown that it can take quite awhile for the fire to return after this “male menopause” creeps in.

For the Ladies Out There

Sex begets sex, so having it on a regular basis, even if you do not feel aroused. It will help you get in the mood. Research has shown that if women wait to become aroused, they simply may not. Whereas if you make masturbation or regular sex apart of your repertoire, you’ll feel more like doing the wild thing with a partner and sex is a great physical activity to share with a loved one.

Embrace Him

Pelvic floor exercises — this does not mean getting on the floor and thrusting your pelvis; although I’m sure there is some benefit to that too, can help you have stronger PC muscles leading to more intense orgasms for you and potentially for him. I’ve spoken to many a couple that when the woman began Kegel exercising during sex, their husbands reported a massage sensation on their penises. Think of it as a pleasant vaginal friction hug.

Feeling Good

The release of endorphins while working out is similar to the release of them during sex. Research has shown that people who work out on a regular basis, feel better about themselves. Having a good sense of self esteem translates directly into the bedroom. If you feel good about yourself you tend to be more open to exploring your own body leading to increased orgasms and even bonding between between you and your partner.

The Smell of Sex

We all release our own concoction of pheromones. This is especially true during not only sex but working out. A little bit of physical exertion and sweat can really help to arouse one another. This is why the gym can be such a great place to meet partners. You can smell potential dates up close and personal.

So, in addition to improved cardiovascular health, increased immune system, lower rates of cancer, and simply a longer life, being fit can help you keep that flame burning long into old age. As if I needed to give you another reason. Now drop and give me twenty.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk