Beyond Slut

I get questions from lots of progressive women who “date” a lot, that you would think would be sexually secure, but who still get caught up in moralizing their sexuality. Most of them are well-adjusted and healthy.  They just believe they should have the opportunity to sleep around like many men have throughout the eons. Unfortunately, our culture does not yet positively reinforce strongly sexual women. The brunt of the myth is to somehow be sexually tantalizing but withhold sexually for the one right person. Not marrying and instead dating around can even be negatively reinforced through the comments of friends family, often regarding their fears of you becoming an “old maid”.  But since many people often feel threatened by a woman with strong sexual prowess, they don’t yet have vocabulary that reaches beyond the term of “slut”.

beyond slut

As long as you are taking care of yourself (sexually, and otherwise) and are not acting out in a detrimental manner (e.g. not using condoms, or having sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol), and as long as you are having consensual sex with another adult…enjoy! I believe many women  have the ability to separate love from sex, and can benefit by enjoying sex just for the simple blissful act it can be.

I do suggest examining your motivations for choosing the sexual lifestyle you’ve chosen to live, however. I’d suggest this no matter what pattern of sexual behavior you engage in. Ask yourself, “Am I just avoiding developing emotional intimacy with someone? Am I possibly, commitment-phobic?” If the answer is that you are completely emotionally fulfilled on your own and don’t feel the need to be defined by another person, then you may feel reassured in your sexual practices. For, there are many women out there nowadays who are so secure in their sexuality, that they can feel free to proactively pursue a variety of sexual relationships with men (and other women, of course). As long as you are being honest with yourself about your inner needs, I see no issue with a woman’s choice of remaining sexually assertive and unattached.

You may find that this pattern of sexual behavior lasts for the rest of your life or that perhaps after a period of time you may look to develop a more permanent emotional relationship. Sexuality can be much more fluid than one realizes. Either way, the beauty of choosing to live your life in a sexually bold manner is to be applauded. If you’re doing what feels good in the context that works for you, have at it.


 is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk