Kinky Vs Vanilla

What does it mean to be kinky? Well, there seems to be quite a spectrum of answers when it comes defining it. It all seems to be very subjective. What seems kinky to you may be par for the course for the next person. It can run the gamut from sex toys, to BDSM, to dirty talk to role playing – and many things in between, but what if as a vanilla person (someone overtly not into kink), you end of coupling with someone who is? What then?

Fifty Shades of Play

If your partner is on the kinkier side it doesn’t necessarily mean it is a bad thing for your relationship. It can actually be a great way for those of us who are more vanilla to break out of shells and experiment with something new. It can also be a way of feeling closer to our partner. This being said, there may be behaviors that you are just not open to doing and that is ok too. Your kinky partner should have enough sensitivity to work you into these behaviors as well as be ok with some hard and fast boundaries. Many people into kink have learned to be very good negotiators sexually as very few people have exactly the same proclivities.Kinky Vs VanillaBottoms Up

The key is give and take. Open a dialogue about what really turns the both of you on — just don’t do it while you are in the middle of having sex. Be honest about what scares you and why. Lots of people who think of BDSM assume that it’s all whips and chains but in actuality there are a whole spectrum of behaviors from mild spanking to light bondage with silk ties. It’s up to the person who is into the kink to be gentle and really know what they are doing; while it is the vanilla person’s responsibility to remain open and communicate their needs. For instance, most people in the kink community know that it is the “bottom” or the person having things done to them that is actually in control of the play.

If It’s New to You…

When it comes down to actually suggesting some kinky play, evaluate the situation. If you removed all of the negative self talk from your head, would the situation titillate you even a little? Many guys feel the need to get over the idea of feeling threatened by a woman who is kinkier than he is. Some are afraid of being judged by others if they ever found out and some, well they are just not wired that way. Once you’ve looked at your fears, I always suggest trying something new. If you don’t like it, you can always communicate that. I find that most men don’t know what they are missing though. Once you can learn to open up sexually, often times you feel emotionally more connected as well just by sharing the experience.

image is a copyrighted photo of the model


 is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

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