Problems with Anatomically Correct Snowman – This Ain’t Dear Abby

Dear Adam:
My 4-year-old son made a snowman in our front yard and then went inside to take a nap. Our neighbor came over with his son — age 16 — to talk to my husband.

When I brought my 3-year-old daughter outside to see the snowman her brother made, I was horrified to see it was now “anatomically correct”! I asked my husband who did it, and he said it was the neighbor’s son. My husband thought it was funny and that I was overreacting.

I think the behavior was inappropriate, and the fact that my daughter saw it and wondered what was “hanging on the snowman” was no laughing matter. If the neighbor wanted to make an X-rated snowman, he should have made it in his own front yard. Do you think I’m being too sensitive? – Fails to See the Humor

This aint Abby

snow man

Dear Fails to See the Humor:

There’s too sensitive and then there’s wouldn’t know a joke if it threw anatomically correct snowballs in your face. Instead of freaking out over nothing, you should treat this as important learning experience for your daughter. After all, it’s better for her to figure out these kinds of things now than at her first college frat party. And snowpeople make much better sex ed figures than birds and bees – provided kids realize that STDs and unwanted pregnancies don’t just melt away on the next sunny day. Frosty’s magic hat even makes an excellent euphemism for condoms. And just imagine what you could with the whole carrot nose angle…

Moving on to what’s truly important here – anatomically correct snowpeople. As seasons go, winter is pretty boring so I support anything that livens it up… and sexually appropriate snowmen and snowwomen have a lot of potential. I like the idea so much that I’ve even started work on new version of the Kama Sutra using various snowpeople to illustrate all the positions. And with stricter and stricter laws regarding the production of adult content, snow porn might very well be the next big trend in the adult movie industry. I can see the titles now: Teagan Gets Frosted! or Naughty Coeds Get Frostbite! Let’s hear from the readers; just leave a comment with the snow porn you’d like to see!

Please note that this is a parody of Dear Abby and similar advice columns. The question is pulled directly from an actual Dear Abby column.