Too Comfortable To Be Passionate

So you freely fart in front of one another and one of you is either tweezing their chin or digging for gold when they get the chance. Being comfortable in your long-term relationship is fantastic, right? The worries that come with dating someone new are gone. You don’t have to be perfect and keep the façade going. You know what I’m talking about. When you are first dating someone you want him or her to only see your best side. No dropping bombs in the bathroom, unshaved bikini areas or cranky moods. We want to appear as the perfect partner for that person. Often doing our own research on what the other person likes so we can truly appear to be “the one” to them by reciting their favorite song lyrics or learning to make lasagna just like his Mama.

comfort or passionLuckily in the beginning you’ll be able to enjoy some true passion, along with obsessively thinking about the other person and the taming of your fiery loins. You’re always on. Yes, it is a bit exhausting being the best version of you, possibly – or hopefully you still resemble you at this point. We all play this unconscious game with our beloved in the beginning. But at some point your plan jumps shark. Whether it is a moment you are forced to be vulnerable or your partner has taken the first step in doing so, gradually the masks comes off. It may be in a time of pain; like the death of a family member or your beau rips a big one in bed. The newness of this relationship gets chipped away into something old and familiar. Some people eventually miss the mystery and the façade. They may even cheat in order to feel that intense passion again; while, others envelope themselves in the realness, the trueness of what has become a cozy little safety blanket. Many of these people will say that there’s some passion left. Like that one Saturday night wifey got a little drunk and let you in her backdoor. But many will wistfully talk about the good old days of spontaneous rolls in the hay.

Which is better? Comfort or passion. Do we have to have one or the other? Are all long-term relationships doomed to bed death? I can tell you it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and whether or not you prioritize passion. I think long term monogamous relationships are lovely. And that there is a true freedom to being yourself with that person that you won’t have with anyone else. Yes, some sexual intimacy may be replaced with emotional intimacy but realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. There are not only fifty shades of grey in BDSM, but also fifty shades of grey within our relationships. We occasionally just need to remind ourselves to look for a different more passionate shade.

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 is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk