What to Do When Your Lover is Anti-Lube
I’ve had many female clients tell me that their partner isn’t into lube. This can especially become an issue as women enter their early forties. Many don’t seem to lubricate as much despite the fact that some male partners think their wives and girlfriends should be able to get wet on their own. But sex can be painful without enough lube…ouch!
Hormone levels change with age and there can be much fluctuation in them for most women throughout their lives. Women definitely should not feel alone in noticing a decrease in vaginal lubrication. Most women will absolutely to want to add lube to their sexual repertoire. Lube has been a godsend to many a sexual relationship. Dry vaginal play just isn’t fun and usually it isn’t as much fun for your partner either. How enjoyable can it be to try and penetrate someone as they are grimacing and whimpering? Male partners are missing the boat. Guys could be having a much fuller sexual experience too, which as a by-product would probably make most female partners keener to have more sex, for longer. Not a bad deal for either of you.
There is a common misconception among some men that they are responsible for turning you on and if you can’t get wet that something must be wrong with them. It’s funny how tied into a man’s sense of virility lubrication can be. On the flip side nothing is “wrong” with you either for needing a little help. Changes in lubrication can be considered a natural part of aging and hormone changes. Although not all women experience it, some do even in their twenties — we’re just all wired a little different.
I’ve known some women who have gone to the extreme of actually applying a little lube ahead of time so their husbands won’t know it. But I’d like to think most of you wouldn’t need to take that route. One husband figured out when he went to perform oral sex on her and could taste the lubricant.
Nothing beats a conversation. So, I say sit your male lover down and explain to him that you both could be having more sex if you actually enjoyed the sensation of it. I would also mention to him what we’ve discussed about women’s bodies changing over time and that you have no control over the amount you actually lubricate. If need be, you could even visit a gynecologist together have the doctor explain it to the both of you. Or actually the use of lube in adult movies has become more prevalent in the last few years too. Maybe watching a few DVDS together will help you discuss the topic and reinforce the idea that extra lubrication is a good thing.
Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.
© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk