Whispering Sweet Nothings and Talking Dirty

By nature some people are just more verbal. You know the ones at the coffee shop who just never shut up. It may make you think how verbal they are in bed. Which can be a good thing or in some instances a bad thing if oral rhetoric during love making drives you nuts.

Alas, how can this be? Don’t I, Dr. Kat advocate for more talk versus less between the sheets? To answer my own question…well, yes, mostly. Generally, I am all for more communication. Telling your lover how good something feels, directing him or her where and how to touch, mixing it up a little bit with a well placed “fuck me” does the trick for a lot of people and of course everyone is different.

There are people who over analyze and want to be verbal about it. But even that isn’t such a bad thing if you are a partner that is either the same way or just “gets” that, that is how your partner is. If not, however, there’s nothing like trying to subtly or not so subtly telling your partner to keep their trap shut during sex. A well placed hand over the mouth may or may not be welcome but I digress.

Verbal diarrhea during sex can be an arousal killer. There is a certain energy to sex that can become stifled by too much talk. Talking during sex should add to the action. It can enhance the flow if you are being truly present with your partner. There are those strong silent types on the other end of the spectrum, who you never know how they feel — at least until they orgasm, so I’m not advocating for being over stoic either. But like anything in life there is a balance to be struck. A dance between you and your partner based on what you feel you want to express and what you feel you partner would enjoy hearing. Both sides need to be honored and if you are present and use your intuition even a little, you can find your own sexual verbal flow.

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 is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk