I’m happy to announce that I host Adam and Eve’s Guide to the Kama Sutra. I now have the pleasure helping you to bring these positions into your very own bedroom. I outline which postures can help you attain greater depth and orgasmic intensity. I also make sure to point out where you can find that elusive G-Spot and other often ignored erogenous zones.

For instance, The Pine Tree position allows one partner to play with the others’ feet during sex or lean forward to kiss them. 
While the Transverse Lute shows how the top partner can quickly and easily change angles for deeper penetration, increased comfort, or to hit their erogenous zone.   Some of the position names may sound a little nutty, The Mare & The Swing?  But what matters is how beautifully these sex positions  are illustrated by the gorgeous actors. You’ll not only find this educational but there’s a pretty good chance just watching it will get you off. You may not even make it five minutes in but I encourage you to also use this DVD as a tool of pleasure with your partner. Or if you are single, to really show off your lovemaking expertise with your next lover.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Everyone knows a couple like this. They scream and fight. They say horrible things to one another. There is no romance. There is simply tolerance from what any of us can tell. Yet these people stick together. Whether it’s for the kids or stubbornness, their relationship survives regardless of explosions or implosions, and it is so damn annoying. In fact, I’ve known couples who can’t stand being around these couples because their bad behavior rubs off on their own relationships.

I’m not saying these couples should get a divorce but they might want to seek a little counseling so that they can learn to relate to one another a bit more civilly; especially if they have children. This is not the best model of an adult relationship I can think of. I personally have even had friends like this. Several of us in the wedding party smugly guessing how long “this” is going to last. When five or ten years later, we are the ones signing divorce papers and the volatile couple keeps chugging that marital path with their observable war wounds.

People find comfort in some weird shit. Shit that isn’t even good for us most of the time. Would the next relationship for this couple be any better off? Who knows. What matters is that behind the closed door of their relationship that they do have a dialogue (not a screaming match) about life and all of it’s big questions. I suppose having someone to do that with is the key. It’s one big benefit being mated will always have over singledom, even when the going is perpetually rough.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

So when the author Lisa Renee Jones virtually introduced herself to me, I was suspect. I mean I have been approached by authors before to endorse their newest titles and I never found any I wanted to put my name behind. But I soon discovered this chick was legit and better yet we had a nice chemistry going. What I have most appreciated about her is that she cares about how she portrays sex in her books — sexually healthy, robust and compelling. Plus we both realized that there might be ways we could work together and include www.AdamandEve.comin the equation. Quite a three-way, if you ask me.

image from www.lisareneejones.com/

Her Inside Out Trilogy is sincerely well written. Deemed as being a cross between Basic Instinct and Fifty Shades, I would have to agree. In If I Were You, Being Me and Revealing Us, Lisa introduces us to Sarah McMillan who made a life changing discovery when she came into contact with journals she found in a storage unit she bought. Lisa takes us further into the story with Rebecca’s Lost Journals — in which I actually appear. I know, crazy huh? I told Lisa she needed to write me a really great sex scene.

Anyway, if you are looking for a good summer (or any time) read, cozy up to these books by Lisa Renee Jones and in the mean time you may see more of the two of us together doing some cross promotion. Also, the STARZ channel has just optioned the Inside Out Trilogy so hopefully we’ll have some tantalizing TV to follow too. You can find out more at  www.lisareneejones.com.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Luckily in the beginning you’ll be able to enjoy some true passion, along with obsessively thinking about the other person and the taming of your fiery loins. You’re always on. Yes, it is a bit exhausting being the best version of you, possibly – or hopefully you still resemble you at this point. We all play this unconscious game with our beloved in the beginning. But at some point your plan jumps shark. Whether it is a moment you are forced to be vulnerable or your partner has taken the first step in doing so, gradually the masks comes off. It may be in a time of pain; like the death of a family member or your beau rips a big one in bed. The newness of this relationship gets chipped away into something old and familiar. Some people eventually miss the mystery and the façade. They may even cheat in order to feel that intense passion again; while, others envelope themselves in the realness, the trueness of what has become a cozy little safety blanket. Many of these people will say that there’s some passion left. Like that one Saturday night wifey got a little drunk and let you in her backdoor. But many will wistfully talk about the good old days of spontaneous rolls in the hay.

Which is better? Comfort or passion. Do we have to have one or the other? Are all long-term relationships doomed to bed death? I can tell you it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and whether or not you prioritize passion. I think long term monogamous relationships are lovely. And that there is a true freedom to being yourself with that person that you won’t have with anyone else. Yes, some sexual intimacy may be replaced with emotional intimacy but realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. There are not only fifty shades of grey in BDSM, but also fifty shades of grey within our relationships. We occasionally just need to remind ourselves to look for a different more passionate shade.

image is a copyrighted photo of model(s)

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

There used to be the thought of sowing one’s oats one last time but geez, most of us are waiting a lot longer to get married anyway. Most of us have practically made oatmeal by the time we put a ring on it.

The poster boy for cheating at a bachelor party a few years ago was Mario Lopez. You know, host of Extra Entertainment News or even better AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. After dating model/hostess Ali Landry for six years (six years!), they annulled their marriage two weeks in because she found out he cheated on her during his bachelor party in Mexico. Seriously, people — look it up on Wikipedia.

And it isn’t just guys getting in on the action. It has become common place for women to  search out strange schlong before their chasteness is given away. This last night of freedom is such a joke. Yes, it can be a fun bonding event among the wedding party. But not one that should have to include keeping secrets about how the bride or groom “accidentally” slept with someone. To me, this is indicative of how fucked up we as a western culture are about sex.  Hell, if you want to have sex with someone else before you get married why not a) tell your future partner or b) maybe this is a sign you don’t really want to be with your partner. And don’t give me it’s just “sex”. I’m sure it is just sex but there is something going in the mind of that person cheating that is looking for a way to act out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be the first to tote a blown up penis through a casino or enjoy a strip show. I just don’t get where the touching has to happen? I’m sure some people are attracted to the taboo of this final tryst so I can only appeal to all of those of you out there who allows themselves to be “the other person”. Don’t do it. I’m not going to go all Ya-Ya of the Sisterhood on you all but why not stay as an innocent bystander and not become the chick who who gets more than her reputation stained. Now go out and have some good clean fun…order a boob cake and get a simple lap dance for God’s sake.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

These eastern philosophies range from Ayurveda, Chinese, Tibetan Medicine and of course the ancient  Indian art of Tantra. As someone who has studied, practiced and taught basic levels of Tantra (I am not a Tantrika); semen retention is not the first thing I introduce in Tantric practice. But for those men and couples that wish take their Tantric skills to the next level, I do highly recommend semen retention as a way to learn about one’s sexual response and as a way to develop the skill of becoming a multiply orgasmic man.

There is evidence that everyone from Buddha to Aristotle to Shakespeare and Thoreau practiced semen retention as a way to avoid the depleted energy many men feel after ejaculation. Even some current athletes and martial artists avoid ejaculation days before big events. Male ejaculation is said to deplete energy stores of the endocrine and central nervous system. Thus men should wait until energy is built back up again. But simply retaining semen may not be enough. It does take work to “transmute” the energy. Otherwise, men can experience a sensation of trapped energy that may lead to other issues like mental preoccupation and depression. Therefore, I suggest that men and couples interested in the art of semen retention should get some training. There are some wonderful resources via tantra.com.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Mr. Happy

The more fat we all carry on our body the more estrogen we produce. Estrogen, frankly can be quite the arousal killer and this especially goes for men. It can actually cause the penis to shrink.  Yikes! So getting into better physical condition can make your Mr. Happy happy.

MEN-opause

Yep, higher levels of estrogen can also cause long term desire to wain and that means the “use it or lose it” philosophy extends here. Research has shown that it can take quite awhile for the fire to return after this “male menopause” creeps in.

For the Ladies Out There

Sex begets sex, so having it on a regular basis, even if you do not feel aroused. It will help you get in the mood. Research has shown that if women wait to become aroused, they simply may not. Whereas if you make masturbation or regular sex apart of your repertoire, you’ll feel more like doing the wild thing with a partner and sex is a great physical activity to share with a loved one.

Embrace Him

Pelvic floor exercises — this does not mean getting on the floor and thrusting your pelvis; although I’m sure there is some benefit to that too, can help you have stronger PC muscles leading to more intense orgasms for you and potentially for him. I’ve spoken to many a couple that when the woman began Kegel exercising during sex, their husbands reported a massage sensation on their penises. Think of it as a pleasant vaginal friction hug.

Feeling Good

The release of endorphins while working out is similar to the release of them during sex. Research has shown that people who work out on a regular basis, feel better about themselves. Having a good sense of self esteem translates directly into the bedroom. If you feel good about yourself you tend to be more open to exploring your own body leading to increased orgasms and even bonding between between you and your partner.

The Smell of Sex

We all release our own concoction of pheromones. This is especially true during not only sex but working out. A little bit of physical exertion and sweat can really help to arouse one another. This is why the gym can be such a great place to meet partners. You can smell potential dates up close and personal.

So, in addition to improved cardiovascular health, increased immune system, lower rates of cancer, and simply a longer life, being fit can help you keep that flame burning long into old age. As if I needed to give you another reason. Now drop and give me twenty.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

What does this mean as a result? Eco-adventure travel fosters several skills that can positively reinforce traits couples seek. This desire to get “out of the box” of their everyday lives also serves as a way to combat boredom in their relationship. It shakes things up enough for them to garner experiences that more typical couples would not experience on the rote trip to a resort in Florida.

While some individuals may find the idea of trekking glaciers or surfing Indonesia as daunting, these activity travelers say they experience a sense of rejuvenation. Many return home and are able to apply the skills they have learned on their trips. Rebecca, a 32 year-old mother of a one states that, “My husband and I seem to communicate better now than we ever have. While rock climbing all over the United States we discovered that the challenges put upon our ability to communicate in sticky situations and negotiate difficulties seemed to train us for everyday life. When you are in a life and death situation on a mountain, arguing over who takes the trash out at home is a moot point.”

Researchers John Gottman and David Schnarch reinforce the importance of a sense of individuation within one’s couplehood as well as creating spontaneity with in a relationship. These two attributes can often have a “make it or break it” affect on long-term relationships. Eco-travel allows people to continue to individuate by excelling on their own but to also bond under uncommon circumstances.

Tim states that he feels closer to his partner Martin because the trips they’ve taken whitewater rafting become all about them as a couple. “How we navigate the river is a direct metaphor for our lives. We’ve shared things together that we haven’t with anyone else.” This increased sense of emotional intimacy can carry over into the bedroom.

An interest in “healthy risk-taking” poses an overlap into sexuality. There can be a sense of spontaneity that may not exist otherwise, that anything can happen on these trips. This ability to seek out adventure spills over into sex lives. “Having sex in non-traditional places, breaking out a new sex toy, experimenting within our own boundaries, all of these concepts grow out of our overall desire for adventure,” Rebecca says.

Again and again, these couples reiterate that life and therefore relationships should be fun, at least some of the time. There is a pervasive sense of openness, a willingness to try something new and fail in front of a partner – to be emotionally and physically vulnerable, an ability to be able to communicate needs and desires. These seem to be the most important traits whether a couple is bonding through eco-travel in the jungles of Borneo or experimenting with their sexualities in the comfort of their own bed.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

As long as you are taking care of yourself (sexually, and otherwise) and are not acting out in a detrimental manner (e.g. not using condoms, or having sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol), and as long as you are having consensual sex with another adult…enjoy! I believe many women  have the ability to separate love from sex, and can benefit by enjoying sex just for the simple blissful act it can be.

I do suggest examining your motivations for choosing the sexual lifestyle you’ve chosen to live, however. I’d suggest this no matter what pattern of sexual behavior you engage in. Ask yourself, “Am I just avoiding developing emotional intimacy with someone? Am I possibly, commitment-phobic?” If the answer is that you are completely emotionally fulfilled on your own and don’t feel the need to be defined by another person, then you may feel reassured in your sexual practices. For, there are many women out there nowadays who are so secure in their sexuality, that they can feel free to proactively pursue a variety of sexual relationships with men (and other women, of course). As long as you are being honest with yourself about your inner needs, I see no issue with a woman’s choice of remaining sexually assertive and unattached.

You may find that this pattern of sexual behavior lasts for the rest of your life or that perhaps after a period of time you may look to develop a more permanent emotional relationship. Sexuality can be much more fluid than one realizes. Either way, the beauty of choosing to live your life in a sexually bold manner is to be applauded. If you’re doing what feels good in the context that works for you, have at it.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Communication

When we begin our relationships, communication is often the first aspect we can assess. There are times when people are on their best behavior early on and that’s when you don’t get the real deal on how well your partner communicates often times much later. It can take the form of withholding information, little white lies or out and out fraud — Kenny Chesney and Rene Zellweger style. Regardless, time is on your side. You want enough time and situations to occur to see if this partner shares your communication style. Or if it is a style that you can at least work with. You shouldn’t have to be left guessing in a long term relationship. While it is true that sometimes that’s all we can do early on, it can be anything from bothersome to dangerous later on.

Trust

The key here is examining how congruent your partner is between what they say and what they do. Some partners are very private so you don’t know what’s going on in their inner world and funny enough, some of us are ok with not knowing. But if you are to build trust in a relationship, sooner or later you’ll have to decide what level of your lover’s congruency is acceptable to you. Did he say he was going to run errands and then later through a friend you found out he was at a bar? This seemingly benign example can whittle away at your trust for one another.

Sexual Chemistry

“You don’t know a thing if you ain’t got that swing.” When it comes to sex the process is rarely perfect, so I don’t want you to think that you have to have fireworks forever when it comes to bedding your lover. What matters beyond that initial spark, is the flow of sexual energy between you. Do you have similar biorhythms and want sex at similar times? Do you respond through arousal and orgasm on a regular basis? Do you still want to jump their bones even after you’ve had a hell of a fight? Again, time is the great mediator here. Things will always change but it’s about how we flow together.

Shared Interests

Now this isn’t the case for all couples. And I am not suggesting you have to be joined at the hip. But research has shown that couples who play together tend to stay together because they find solace in common interests. So whether it’s golf or knitting, all that matters is that you enjoy doing it together when you can. It can be a great way to escape your screaming kids, or remind yourself that your couplehood should be prioritized.

Values

Values can ebb and flow over time but some stick with you for a life time. It just depends how important those values are to and your partner. Spirituality, home life, time together, money issues are all values that can either strengthen a relationship or destroy it. Communicating about your values early on helps to build a solid foundation as you move forward in your relationship.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk