Communication

When we begin our relationships, communication is often the first aspect we can assess. There are times when people are on their best behavior early on and that’s when you don’t get the real deal on how well your partner communicates often times much later. It can take the form of withholding information, little white lies or out and out fraud — Kenny Chesney and Rene Zellweger style. Regardless, time is on your side. You want enough time and situations to occur to see if this partner shares your communication style. Or if it is a style that you can at least work with. You shouldn’t have to be left guessing in a long term relationship. While it is true that sometimes that’s all we can do early on, it can be anything from bothersome to dangerous later on.

Trust

The key here is examining how congruent your partner is between what they say and what they do. Some partners are very private so you don’t know what’s going on in their inner world and funny enough, some of us are ok with not knowing. But if you are to build trust in a relationship, sooner or later you’ll have to decide what level of your lover’s congruency is acceptable to you. Did he say he was going to run errands and then later through a friend you found out he was at a bar? This seemingly benign example can whittle away at your trust for one another.

Sexual Chemistry

“You don’t know a thing if you ain’t got that swing.” When it comes to sex the process is rarely perfect, so I don’t want you to think that you have to have fireworks forever when it comes to bedding your lover. What matters beyond that initial spark, is the flow of sexual energy between you. Do you have similar biorhythms and want sex at similar times? Do you respond through arousal and orgasm on a regular basis? Do you still want to jump their bones even after you’ve had a hell of a fight? Again, time is the great mediator here. Things will always change but it’s about how we flow together.

Shared Interests

Now this isn’t the case for all couples. And I am not suggesting you have to be joined at the hip. But research has shown that couples who play together tend to stay together because they find solace in common interests. So whether it’s golf or knitting, all that matters is that you enjoy doing it together when you can. It can be a great way to escape your screaming kids, or remind yourself that your couplehood should be prioritized.

Values

Values can ebb and flow over time but some stick with you for a life time. It just depends how important those values are to and your partner. Spirituality, home life, time together, money issues are all values that can either strengthen a relationship or destroy it. Communicating about your values early on helps to build a solid foundation as you move forward in your relationship.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

We all know too many couples do not prioritize sex when things are good let alone, when the going gets rough. But I suggest you use sex to bridge that gap instead of allowing it to widen. Making time to have sex and be affectionate –even when you don’t feel like it – is a worthy cause. Physical contact stimulates the bonding hormone oxytocin and can help to soothe your body and mind. It can also be a great distraction. Allowing you to focus on yourself and partner rather than the issue at hand.

Difficulties like a health issue often last for periods of time. Not having sex for weeks or months on end, can lead to a feeling of disconnection between partners. This disconnection can breed a lack of caring and concern as well, lack of empathy for where the other person is emotionally.

Yes, I am suggesting to simply having sex to have sex. Orgasm is great for tension release but that doesn’t need to be the priority. Just putting yourselves in the same room, naked with no distractions for fifteen minutes a week can mean the difference between making it through these situations as a couple or not. There may be an off week here and there but if you make the effort to be present sexually even a little of the time, you’ll have a better relationship for it.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

1) Keep It Professional

You were both hired to do a job. Do it. Focus on the work and if you have to interact with each other, keep it on a strictly professional level and only discuss the task at hand. Don’t bring up the past at work. Don’t bring up hurt feelings. Keep it professional.

2) Change Lunch Hours

It might be helpful to minimize the chances of bumping into each other around the office or at close by lunch spots. So, if you both have the same basic lunch hour, change.  Also, shuffle around your break schedule. The less you have to see each other, the less chance of any emotions coming to the surface.

3) Don’t Gossip!

Your relationship is no one else’s business. If you need to vent, need to talk your feelings out, stick with friends outside of the workplace. Saying childish things about your ex or bringing up your dirty laundry in the workplace reflects badly on your character more than it does your ex-lover’s.

I personally can’t imagine not sleeping in the same bed as my husband. I love resting next to him, waking up to him playing, playing footsie in the middle of the night. I just like his energy to be there even if we aren’t sleeping completely intertwined. As a therapist, I have had clients who for one reason or another do not share beds or rooms.  Surprisingly many of them are young – in their twenties and thirties. The culprit many times is having kiddos that need to be soothed in the middle of the night so, that one parent or the other has to sleep with them. I’ve seen this begin when a child is an infant and continue well into school age. It seems that being a parent trumps being a couple. And I know plenty of you out there would agree with that statement.

But in my office I see issues of disconnection; lack of communication, lack of empathy and lack of intimacy in these couples. I can’t help but believe that the distance between spouses at night has something to do with all of those other issues. My point is that it’s difficult to be the best parent you can be if a) you are not taking care of your own needs sufficiently and/or b) you do not have a healthy sense of couplehood. It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of survival; food, water and shelter come before self-actualization.

I’m not going to say that it is never appropriate to not share a bed; but there is a bigger issue within your relationship if it becomes a pattern with no other reason to sustain it self other than to avoid one’s partner. If this physical and emotional distance is beginning to happen to you, there is no need to start an argument over it. Just see it as a red flag that something may be amiss between the two of you. Then discuss it like the adult couple you are. Often a single discussion can help attend to whatever is brewing below the surface. You can find away to make sleeping together a sanctuary away from the day’s storms and strengthen your relationship as a result.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

1) Make Reservations in Advance!

If you plan to go out to a romantic dinner, plan ahead! Be an adult and make reservations well in advance (like right now). Nothing is less romantic than driving from restaurant to restaurant trying to find a place to wine and dine your lover. Chances are you are going to end up at a family restaurant with pictures on the menu.

2) Buy Flowers/Gift!

Making the gesture of actually getting flowers and/or a gift for your companion will make them exceptionally happy. Even the staunchest of hearts melt when a gift arrives on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to break the bank on this. But a token gift goes a long, long way.

3) Show Up On Time!

Never, never, never keep your date waiting on Valentine’s Day.  Even if you have been married for 25 years, make sure you arrive when you say you will. Being late sets a negative tone for the evening that is seriously difficult to recover from.

4) Put The Phone Away!

Make sure your date has your undivided attention on Valentine’s Day. So turn the phones off so you are not even tempted to look at texts, emails, Facebook, sport scores, or anything else.

5) Sincerely Complement!

Complements that come from the heart will make your loved one feel great. Please make sure they are sincere and that it is obvious you mean them.

6) Do Not Go To Or Do Any of the Following:

Fast Food, Strip Clubs, Monster Truck Rally, Comic Book Store, Log Into World of Warcraft, Pay With a Coupon, Suggest a Horror Movie, or anything else completely inappropriate for a romantic evening!

Conversely, women who self-identify as having sexual dissatisfaction have lower psychological general well-being. These findings reinforce the importance of addressing sexual health and well-being in women as an essential component of their health care.

Dr. Davison and colleagues conducted a study of 421 women aged 18 to 65 years, of whom 349 were included in the analysis to assess the relationship between self-reported sexual satisfaction and well-being. You can read more about the study and the conclusions HERE.

However, women are not in this alone. Men need to be more understanding and in-tune with the importance of sex in relationships. If you want a healthy partner with a positive outlook on life, it is important to make sure she is pleased. I’m willing to bet, a regular sex life gives a lot of positive health benefits to men, too! Be practical! Think of all the money we can save in doctors and psychologists by just having sex with the people we love!

Womanese is a simple way of describing their language – which is virtually untranslatable. Words can mean other words and whole conversations can be about something else entirely. But understanding what a woman is trying to communication is one of the most essential keys to unlocking a beautiful relationship and having healthy sex life with no mysteries and no ambiguity.

Here is a quick example: when a woman says she “doesn’t want to talk about something” it means exactly that, but there are a few important caveats. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t totally want to talk about it, but it also means she wants to work something out. Sound complicated? You’ve done something she doesn’t like. You were at a party and you said something you hadn’t realized upset her until now (12 hours later) or you’ve come home too late – it could be a million things you didn’t realize you did. No, she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she does want you to say these magic words: “I’ll work on it, I promise, I know it upsets you, so I’ll work on it.” This magic string of words will make everything okay – then take her out to dinner and treat her like a queen. Its better to take the higher road and best of all you’ve just had your first A+ in Womanese.

There are an infinite amount of combinations of Womanese and learning to speak it is as simple as understanding simple turns of phrases, tones of voice, and words that could mean other words. Soon enough you’ll be able to differentiate when a woman is speaking Womanese and when she is just trying to have a normal conversation. Remember guys: women are complex, but just because you are a little less dimensional doesn’t mean you can’t relate.

Watch for more sex tips and advice from yours truly, Maximilian

Many consider that a part of the romantic honeymoon phase of a relationship; that those sorts of warm and cozy behaviors don’t need to be done anymore because the prize has already been won. However, some couples never shake the sweetness of these gestures. It’s either just apart of who they are or they make a real effort to stay connected in this affectionate phase because they know it is good for their relationship. I argue that these behaviors can sometimes be more powerful than sex it self.

On going affection in a relationship can signal emotional connectedness and higher levels of empathy — at least from what I’ve seen in my office. It can also mean more sex. If you are physically touching one another more there’s a better chance you are having regular sex because you are indirectly stimulating one another on a very safe physical level. The bonding hormone, oxytocin also gets released through touch. This is the hormone that helps us identify with one another as partners, and evokes feelings of general yumminess when in one another’s presence. It’s also great for stress relief.

Holding hands in particular can turn into a powerful experience of affection.   According to Chinese medicine you can improve your sex life in a number of ways by utilizing acupressure points in the hand, including help for those with arousal, endurance or pleasure issues. Specifically, you can stimulate the male and female genitals just by pressing, tickling and rubbing the center of the palm of the hand. Now there’s a nice trick to break out under the tablecloth at your next dinner.

So next time you are out and about and you see that old couple holding hands and stroking one another affectionately, give them a little wink because they obviously know a great little secret to better sex.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

My next book is a guide to how to navigate the first year of a relationship utilizing the Chemistry Quotient. The book is meant to help people who are seeking long term relationships avoid the same pitfalls we have all encountered in it’s first year. It can also help couples get clear on whether they should stay together or not. I’m not personally going to tell you to hit the road or not but I will give you the tools to assess that possibility. The book and the following tool “The Chemistry Quotient can also help on going relationships to red flag certain attitudes and behaviors so that you as a couple can work through them in a constructive way. I like to think of it as a therapy in a bottle. Drink it up!

Here’s the deal, there are six pieces of the Chemistry Quotient pie. Depending on which pieces of the pie you value most, you give the most real estate to with in the pie.

Personality

This encompasses each of your personality traits. How you view the world (glass half full/half empty). How outgoing or introverted each one of you are. What you find funny or don’t. Another big trait under personality is how you as a couple resolve a conflict. Do you fight fairly? Does one of you always retreat? It can be a big indicator of whether your relationship will succeed or not. A person’s essence has a lot to do with whether a relationship thrives or dies.

Spirituality

Whether praying to Allah or dear ol’JC, it may not matter who you are worshiping  to (sometimes it does and those issues take more finesse to deal with ala I’m a Jew and she’s not so my family dislikes her). Those situations take more work to stream line into your chemistry quotient. That’s why it helps to know where your relationship tender spots are, so they can be worked on in the bright light of the day — not in the dark corners of your psyche.

Financial

Some people don’t put an emphasis on the value of money while others are obsessed  by what they or their partner make and how it is spent. And yes, at times you can have two people diametrically opposed when it comes to the dollar signs in their household. Too much or too little money may be the issues but may go deeper into self worth issues.

Intellectual

Are you with your intellectual equal? If not, perhaps you don’t value intellectual connection as others do. Or perhaps it simply works in your relationship to have someone who is more intellectually dynamic than the other. This can be a touchy subject obviously because it forces all to look at not only what we bring to the relationship table but how it works (or doesn’t) in our relationship. I’ve seen plenty of couple do well when each person focuses on their individual intellectual strengths.

Lifestyle

Do you both have the travel bug? Is one of you super into triathlon training, while the other would rather stay home with a good book? Lifestyle desires can be a make it or break it issue in a long term relationship. Sometimes lots of compromise is required, other times it is the straw that breaks the camel’s back especially when it comes to having kids.

Sexuality

I like to think of the sexuality quotient as either the silent killer or the respite from the storm. Sexually compatibility can run all over the map. Sex in long term relationships ebb and flow. What matters is how as a couple you value time to be sexual as well as   what type of play and fantasy works for you both. Sex can definitely be used as a weapon but it can also be used as a sanctuary. A place to go that is comforting and healing. Nearly everyone at some point has an issue with their sex life, whether it’s how often/not or how it is being done. Some people will downplay the importance of sex in a relationship but that is often when I see couples who come into my office because their partner does see it as a priority. Trust me if one of you thinks it’s an issue — it is, period.

Bear in mind, you and your partner do not have to be the same for each of the pie slices. Good god, if we were all carbon copies of one another we would just be plain bored. Sometimes complementary personalities work better than those that have a high level of interdependence. However, the whole opposites attracts thing may not be the best case scenario for others. It is all about balance in what we value and how we relate to one another.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Women: my advice on seduction will also teach men how to turn you on with out going too fast and freaking you out.

These words of wisdom will work for first dates, heat up ages old relationships, and spice up marriages.

Most people confuse seduction with foreplay. Seduction comes before anything else. Before kissing. Seduction is about teasing with the eyes, voice, and fingers.  Without staring you must gaze into your lover’s eyes longingly – squint a little as if you are undressing her with your teeth. I call these “cheetah eyes” – the way a cheetah looks at it’s pray as the heat of the sun beats down and they are forced to squint. These are also called “sex eyes” – be sure to lift your eyebrows a little if you have dexterity – as if you are pointing directly to the bedroom with just your brow.

Whispering her name in her ear is also sexy. Whisper to her and tell her what a good time you are having with her. If you met that night ask her if she wants to come back home with you.

Touching is also important, but remember: this is not foreplay. This is simple suggestion as to what may come if she does come home with you or does follow you in to the bedroom.  Tickle her elbow a little or her chin or her ear. The ear can be an incredibly sexy place to touch. Another one of my favorite places to touch is the inside of the arm – suggestively of course and with just the tips of your fingers.

The art of seduction is the art of suggestion. To become irresistible you have to make your self so with the subtle art of using three of the five basic senses. It will just get hotter and hotter, I promise….

Watch for more sex tips and advice from yours truly, Maximilian