1) Make Reservations in Advance!

If you plan to go out to a romantic dinner, plan ahead! Be an adult and make reservations well in advance (like right now). Nothing is less romantic than driving from restaurant to restaurant trying to find a place to wine and dine your lover. Chances are you are going to end up at a family restaurant with pictures on the menu.

2) Buy Flowers/Gift!

Making the gesture of actually getting flowers and/or a gift for your companion will make them exceptionally happy. Even the staunchest of hearts melt when a gift arrives on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to break the bank on this. But a token gift goes a long, long way.

3) Show Up On Time!

Never, never, never keep your date waiting on Valentine’s Day.  Even if you have been married for 25 years, make sure you arrive when you say you will. Being late sets a negative tone for the evening that is seriously difficult to recover from.

4) Put The Phone Away!

Make sure your date has your undivided attention on Valentine’s Day. So turn the phones off so you are not even tempted to look at texts, emails, Facebook, sport scores, or anything else.

5) Sincerely Complement!

Complements that come from the heart will make your loved one feel great. Please make sure they are sincere and that it is obvious you mean them.

6) Do Not Go To Or Do Any of the Following:

Fast Food, Strip Clubs, Monster Truck Rally, Comic Book Store, Log Into World of Warcraft, Pay With a Coupon, Suggest a Horror Movie, or anything else completely inappropriate for a romantic evening!

My boyfriend has a big penis – I mean porn star big! The problem is, when we have sex it usually hurts. I’m worried that us having sex is doing some kind of permanent damage to my insides, and I’m also worried that he’s not getting enough out of our sex because he can’t go in me all the way. Am I just being silly? Is there anything I can do to make myself ‘bigger’?

Anabelle’s worry is actually not that uncommon. Remember the first time you had sex, and more than likely it hurt a bit? Not only was that pain from your hymen possibly breaking, it may have also been the fact that you weren’t used to having anything that size inside your vagina before. But, over time, you got used to the size. You need to go through a similar process with your well-endowed boyfriend. Start slow and choose positions that easily lend themselves to slower sex, such as sex while spooning or the missionary position. Going slow is the key. It is very possible for you to tear or bruise your insides if he goes to hard, too fast, or too deep before you are ready. Sex positions like doggy style or cowgirl (lady on top) are ones to stay away from until you are more comfortable with your partner’s size.

You also want to encourage your body to produce its own natural lubrication. Sometimes this means that you start off using a commercially produced sex lube until you are turned on enough to be making your own. In this case, wetter certainly is better!

Keep in mind – a woman’s body is designed to give birth to a multi-pound child. Having a significantly smaller penis going the other way isn’t too hard of a feat!

I find most women a little uptight about it. They want to sanitize and scrub their vaginas until it has a seal taped over it like a toilet seat in a hotel. Women tend to be hyper aware of how they smell or taste during oral sex. I can venture to say that most women have either chosen not to have sex at all or have stopped their partners from going down on them at least a few times in their lives because of a not so fresh feeling.

But the weird dichotomy is that I hear from most men how they love the smell and taste of their partners when things are a little ripe down there. It drives a lot of partners wild. Most of this can be attributed to pheromones.  Pheromones are a chemical substance that is produced by all mammals. They have one purpose: to serve as a stimulus to other individuals of the same species. They are considered our natural attraction system to perpetuate the human race. Your pheromones are picked up by your partner’s senses much less if your vagina is “too” clean.

My point is that women should let the anxiousness go about how clean their ya-ya is all of the time. Allow sex to happen naturally without running to the bathroom to scrub things out. There’s a certain amount of vaginal discharge that is good to have as we prepare to have sex. That natural lubrication can make sex more fulfilling and potentially drive your partner even more wild. So put down the sanitizers, soaps and perfumes and allow your body to attract your mate in the most natural way possible.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Perhaps it will help if I tell you what I am not talking about. I am not talking about a couple who has a long term pattern of sexual rejection, nor do I mean anyone who uses sex as weapon and denies having sex out of spite. What I am talking about is that we are human after all and there will be times when we simply don’t feel like doing the deed no matter how aroused we may or may not feel.

No one likes to hear the word “no”. Especially when it is attached to something as sensitive as their sexuality. “No” somehow feels like a judgment and many people “add meaning” to being denied sex – like they aren’t attractive enough or aren’t good enough to have sex with period. Most times when a partner says “no” it has nothing to do with the partner being “rejected”.  Just remember that generally hearing “no” is more about the person saying it than the person being told it. When this happens and you are the one who is left unrequited, and you are not sure what the “no” is about, you can simply check in by asking how your partner is and if there is anything that you can do to help them feel better. If the answer is “no” to that question too – perhaps it’s a timing thing — leave it at that. Don’t carry it with you like some burden and don’t project any negativity on to yourself as a result. “Let it be” as Sir Paul might say.

If your partner responds with an issue that you are involved in, well now you both have your lead in to address whatever issue might be on the table. This just opened an opportunity for communication. Take the opportunity to be truly present with your partner and not expect anything in return. These opportunities can help fortify your relationship in the long run.

Boundaries are a good thing. We are all separate individuals who have different desires and priorities. When you are in a long term coupled relationship there will be times that you aren’t both on the same page and that’s OK. Saying “no” occasionally – even when you just don’t feel like it – can create a sense of safety and caring in your relationship. Not getting frazzled by a “no”, can mean your relationship is on solid ground. It can also indicate that you have more depth to your relationship than just being about sex. Yes, sex is important but in a long-term relationship if that is all you have you will have bigger fish to fry sooner than later.

The occasional “no” should be welcome and seen as a sign of health in your relationship. That way you know that your partner isn’t going to “just do it” to make you happy. Your understanding without a lot of push and pull will also give your partner a sense of comfort in your relationship and a sense it’s OK to be exactly who they are how they are right now.  Besides, I always say you should make time for a little solo masturbation. “No’s” can be a little reminder for some “me” time too.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Many consider that a part of the romantic honeymoon phase of a relationship; that those sorts of warm and cozy behaviors don’t need to be done anymore because the prize has already been won. However, some couples never shake the sweetness of these gestures. It’s either just apart of who they are or they make a real effort to stay connected in this affectionate phase because they know it is good for their relationship. I argue that these behaviors can sometimes be more powerful than sex it self.

On going affection in a relationship can signal emotional connectedness and higher levels of empathy — at least from what I’ve seen in my office. It can also mean more sex. If you are physically touching one another more there’s a better chance you are having regular sex because you are indirectly stimulating one another on a very safe physical level. The bonding hormone, oxytocin also gets released through touch. This is the hormone that helps us identify with one another as partners, and evokes feelings of general yumminess when in one another’s presence. It’s also great for stress relief.

Holding hands in particular can turn into a powerful experience of affection.   According to Chinese medicine you can improve your sex life in a number of ways by utilizing acupressure points in the hand, including help for those with arousal, endurance or pleasure issues. Specifically, you can stimulate the male and female genitals just by pressing, tickling and rubbing the center of the palm of the hand. Now there’s a nice trick to break out under the tablecloth at your next dinner.

So next time you are out and about and you see that old couple holding hands and stroking one another affectionately, give them a little wink because they obviously know a great little secret to better sex.

Dr. Kat is the resident sexologist at Adam & Eve and also runs a private practice and media consulting business. She has a Doctorate from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her professional affiliations include AASECT, SSSS, and the American Board of Sexologists. She also has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and completed a postgraduate degree in Marriage, Family and Addictions Recovery Therapy.

© Copyright Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Perhaps you’ll comprise and perhaps you’ll be stronger in the end. Here are the top 5 signs he is cheating on you.  If you marked 3 out 5 you should probably confront him.

1. Mysterious texts – if he is getting texts at strange hours – usually after nine pm and in the middle of the night – it’s a bad sign. Those are probably booty calls. One way to tell for sure is if he looks around when he checks his phone or tilts his phone sideways when he is next to you. That means he doesn’t want you to see the text.
2. Weird excuses for coming home late for work. Too many excuses can be a bad thing. When he starts telling you that the boss is nagging him to finish a big project and the project is taking 5 months – something is up. Unless he’s an architect working on a high profile account, no project takes 5 months!
3. Friend from high school – this can be a brazen one.  If a mysterious girl shows up that says is a friend from high school, this can be a bad sign. He likes his little side fling so much that he is starting to bring her around the house.  Ask her little questions about her age. If things don’t line up this is suspicious.
4. Little red stains.  Little red stains might start appearing on his collar, the bottom of his shirt and around the waist of his pants. It might not be a full lipstick mark, but it’s definitely something – usually the trace of someone trying to cover up lipstick marks. Ask him nicely what theses stains are and if he fumbles he’s been caught.
5. Weird perfume smells – if he comes home and you start suspecting he might have been out with someone else, make sure to smell his fingers, neck and even passenger seat of the car. If there is a distinct and foreign perfume smell he’s basically been caught red handed.

Remember, these signs aren’t sure fire so you don’t want to go jumping the gun. The best thing to do in this situation is to maintain a sense of calm, build up the evidence and then confront him. Once the cards are stacked against him then show him your deck. It’s best not to have a silly poker face when you don’t have a full house.

To give your lover a sensual massage they won’t forget you’ll need some tips.  It’s not all about rubbing your hands all over them. A massage is like a symphony, complete with a prelude, an overture, crescendo, and a finish.

Firstly, you’ll need to fill up the bath with a little more than warm water and at the same time pour in some oils, bubbles, and salts.  Have them soak in the bath as you massage their hands, feet, neck and if for something a little extra you can even tease their genitals. Loosening the muscles with a warm bath will make the massage feel a million times better. What I use is the Inttimo Massage and Bath Oil for a little aromatherapy and with the natural oils and aloe vera the skin will feel incredible to the touch.  In the bath, use a cup with hot water and pour it over their shoulders and let the water fall over their body – there is nothing sexier. When the bath is over wrap them in a thick robe or towel and have them lie on a flat, soft, but firm surface – face down.  Have them lay their arms downward and tell them to relax their whole body.  Remember: if the body isn’t relaxed the massage won’t work! When they are nice and relaxed start with the balls of the feet and then work into the thighs, back and arms. Always ask your lover how much pressure they want you to apply. Sometimes it’s a lot and sometimes it’s a little – it just depends, but it’s always a good policy to ask so you know what they like.

Tip: usually if the massage feels good for the person giving it will feel good for the person receiving it.  If you wanted to really heat things up, tell your partner to flip over for an incredible frontal massage.

Men: massage her breasts, armpits, behind the ears, the inside of the thighs, and finish off with lightly massaging the clitoris or g-spot.

Women: massage his pecks, scalp (really get into his hair), inner thighs and you could then finish off with his stroking or teasing his penis.

And when they massage gets too hot too handle, the perfect finish is to make beautiful love and spend the rest of the night in each other’s arms.  There is no guidebook to a good massage, but remember be mindful to what feels good to your partner! Massages can be a sensual and easy way to spice up your sex live and add romance to an otherwise bland night – especially if you want to make it a night to remember.

Like an artist standing in front of a canvas, your lover is the masterpiece – from head to toe your lips will be the paintbrush. In order to be a master you must study the geometry of your lover’s body and her skin and know exactly where to fit each kiss in order to maximize ultimate pleasure.

Most people know very well the French kiss, but not many people know how to do it right. Have you ever looked in the mirror or taken a picture while doing it? Chances are if it looks ridiculous, you’re probably doing it wrong.  The French kiss got its name at the turn of 20^th century, because the French were known to have more liberal sex practices, but just like French toast and French fries this doesn’t really mean anything. The French kiss is just another puritan invention to give a naughty connotation to something in their eyes the see as salacious.

Of course now the French kiss seems to be one of the most innocent acts in our day in age. Remember, sex isn’t wrong – it is freedom and it is an art. In France, this type of kiss is called baiser amoureux or the lover’s kiss – which sounds more passionate, because it is. It’s intended to be delicate – use your tongue sparingly and don’t let it all hang out. Use mostly your lips – suck on your lover’s lips – lightly nibble the upper and bottom lips. Remember: less is more! In French slang, the French kiss is called patin or ice skating shoe, because it should be as delicate and graceful as a figure skater on ice.

But kissing should not be reserved just for the lips – the whole body needs to be painted by your lips – every corner.  You can start with your lips, but move down to her neck – the front and the back. Then move down to her armpits, over to her nipples, and then around her stomach. You can then move down to her behind, then down her thigh and to her knees – and even the back of her knees.  You’re almost there – move down to her feet – slowly – and kiss the tips of her toes.  Remember to go slowly and move up and down the body with grace and never slobber; reserve the tongue for those hard to reach places. And lastly, keep note: her moans will guide you!

Watch for more sex tips and advise from yours truly, Maximilian

Financial Reasons

For many, the thought of getting married doesn’t appeal to them simply because they look at it as a financial burden that is unnecessary. They simply see no logic in spending large amounts of cash to legalize an already existent and happy relationship. Long term lovers that have maintained a residence for a number of years, in many states, are recognized as having a marriage of common law. Even though not legally married, the status of common law is acceptable for them. The fear of the financial destruction that results from a nasty divorce prevents many from marrying as well. Many people have the mindset that most marriages end in divorce, so they avoid the financial and emotionally taxing pitfalls of marriage.

Individuality and Professionalism

For some, a career or lifestyle might reap better benefits if an individual remains unmarried. Others who vow to remain in a relationship want to retain their individuality as a person. Perhaps one has a family business and they want to remain unmarried so that the company retains its original namesake. Some remain unmarried because they have worked hard to develop a name and want to keep their individuality.

Fear of Failure, or Repeating Past Mistakes

Sadly, many make the decision to not marry simply because they fear failure. For some, if a relationship crumbles, it simply means that the relationship is over. A marriage that ends in divorce, however, has a tendency to make people feel like they have failed. They will carry this “tag” with them quite possibly until death. Others decide not to marry again if they have been married before. A nasty divorce can leave a bad taste in one’s mouth, a taste that many prefer to avoid.

Timing

There are many individuals in a happy, committed relationship that chose not to marry because it isn’t the right time. Maybe they have the mindset that they want to reach certain milestones before the thought of marriage comes into play. For example, one might want to be debt free before marriage. Some might want to reach a certain social status before entering into a marriage, and some quite simply just haven’t found “the right one to marry”.

There are many successful, happy relationships that stand the test of time. As time progresses, many are making the choice to not marry. Some refuse to believe that a simple piece of paper has any effect on the significance of a relationship, while others will question why couples would cohabitate together at all without a desire to form a union. In the end, it all boils down to the needs and desires of each individual relationship.